


Letters I will Never Send

by awknerdlol



Category: Original Work
Genre: Apologies, College, Family, Friendship, Growing Up, Letters, Poetry, School, dark themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 04:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20669591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awknerdlol/pseuds/awknerdlol
Summary: A set of letters, poems,and thoughts I've had while growing up.Posts might not be in order. Some were created far before others.





	Letters I will Never Send

Dear the love of my life (at least I thought you were),

Honestly, I still dream about you. You’d always be at my side, smiling and laughing at something dumb I must have said. Now that I think about it, I hurt you so many times. I could have done so much for you, but I didn’t. I shouldn’t have been so selfish, which is ironic because I called you selfish in one of my last messages to you.

You were the most important person in my life. No, I didn’t love you in a romantic way; I loved you as a sibling. I think I love you more than my actual sister. Even if it’s just a slither, I still love you. 

When I say “love of my life”, I know people will assume that I loved you in a romantic sense, but it wasn’t like that. At least, I don’t think so. I’m not sure what people mean when they ‘love’ someone or even ‘like’. Whenever you smiled, it was enough to keep me in a good mood for hours. Honestly, the fact you were at school made me motivated to go. Sure, we barely saw each other, but I felt like I meant something when I was with you. I thought I only needed you for the rest of my life because I couldn’t imagine a future without you. You made me feel wanted and I was able to be myself around you. You didn’t mind my apathetic behavior and my occasional breakdowns. I didn’t know what love feels like unlike you (who strongly felt all sorts of emotions) came into my life. I still don’t understand love, but I understood heartbreak when we stopped talking.

I should have been satisfied just being by your side and expressed how I felt about you. I should’ve waited out the storm. I should have been more understanding. But I only took your love for granted and lashed out at you.  
I remember the first and last time you told me you loved me. I told you I cared about you a lot but didn’t know if what I felt for you was love. I remember the first and last time you called me your best friend, and I said I didn’t have a best friend. I was scared because I’ve been hurt by someone who once called me their best friend before you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t strong enough to return your feelings of love and friendship. And when I was ready to admit those feelings, I was too late. You had already found someone else to call best friend and there were rumors about me talking shit about you. Which I’m still salty about that because we don’t know what I said and your ‘source’ denied saying anything.

I knew your dream was to become popular and you did. You were always on your phone when we were together and you would tell me stories with all of these people I don’t know. I was losing you and I couldn’t take it. I became jealous and insecure when you weren’t around. I didn’t have your attention anymore, so I tried to become someone I wasn’t to fit into your clique. I tried to be more outgoing because I knew you wanted to go everywhere while I didn’t feel comfortable going anywhere. So, I started accepting invitations to hang out. Instead of going straight home, I waited for people to go home together. I began talking to people in class. I tried making jokes and practiced being funny. I thought you would be happy that I finally had stories to share with you. But before we ever talked, we fought. I didn’t tell you I was hanging out and you found out about it last minute. I should have invited you or at least told you because now I finally understand that you felt jealous and betrayed. I shouldn’t have gotten angry at you and it shouldn’t have dragged on for so long. We should have properly discussed our problems instead of assuming that it would be fine after a few words. I think you were fine with me being me. I shouldn’t have tried to change myself. As for me, I think I needed you around and to care about me. I think we both wanted each other to never change, but that didn’t happen.

But now that you're gone, I’m so lonely. I have people I can call friends now, but sometimes they are enough and sometimes they aren’t. I wish I didn’t need to pretend around them because I’m stuck with this personality. I’m tired of smiling, I’m tired of talking, and I’m tired of trying to be funny. I don’t want to make plans, I don’t want to play these stupid mind games, and I don’t want this fake ass personality. I want to go back to how I used to be, but I can’t. It’s a part of me and I hate it. Everyone I currently talk to only know that side of me and I’m afraid I’ll lose them too. No one likes being lied to and I’ve been lying to them this entire time. I still have so much to learn and I’m afraid of getting older because of it. I’m especially afraid because I don’t have you to walk me through it.

You taught me feelings and that the world outside of my room isn’t so bad. My room used to be my entire world and you knew that. I was afraid to leave because it was unfamiliar, and that was terrifying to me. Eventually, you stopped trying to get me to leave. Instead of going out like you wanted to, we stayed in my room. My little world. 

I’ve never felt so much until you taught me all sorts of feelings. You made me feel alive for the first time in forever. When you left, you took most of those emotions with you. It was different when I didn’t know how it felt. I had those emotions when I was with you and I didn’t know what to do with them. Now, I don’t have them anymore and my heart constantly feels like it burns. Or I might actually have a disease. 

I wish someone would just magically erase your memories, so you wouldn’t be able to remember the pain I gave you. I don’t want you to remember me at all. Meanwhile, I want to keep my memories of you forever. Because you may regret knowing me, but I don’t regret knowing you. 

Forget being a bad friend, I was a bad person. I wish I could be able to look into your eyes without feeling guilty. I wish I didn’t run the other way when I see you in the halls. I wish I didn’t hide behind others when you’re around. I wish I wasn’t terrified of you. I miss your stupid smile. I miss your stupid voice. I miss the stupid way you ate. I miss looking forward to seeing you.

I miss you so much, but I don’t want you to be around if I made you unhappy.

Sincerely,

The loser who still loves you


End file.
